Tarvala Sul'Morin Journal Entry 10

Hey There Mr. Journal.
Been awhile again. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve been in a bleh mood for a few weeks now. I can’t exactly explain it. Or maybe I can and I just don’t want to because admitting it would just mean I’m being superficial and selfing. Putting my wants before duty. I don’t know.

Ivulhe is now a High Ordinator, and a good one at that for the most part, though she is still learning. I don’t think they know or maybe just don’t care, but I can see the Commander and Rajere whispering to her or pulling her aside now and then. Just like the ranks before though, you aren’t born knowing all of it and their experiences is probably helpful.

Dravas also got a promotion, he’s a scout, he gets a super neat hood and a bow. Now, don’t get me wrong, again, happy for him, and I don’t have the skills he does in sneaking and what not. And while I can hit a target with a bow and arrow, I’m not what you would call a sure shot. He still drinks a lot, which I’ll be honest, worries me some for him. He’s rubbing off on me too… wait, no… that sounds SO wrong. Wow, I should think before I write. What I mean is, I’m starting to like a bit of drink myself lately. It’s not so bad if you don’t over do it. Just, you know, floaty.. Not barfy.
Funny enough, him and Ivulhe are apparently a “thing”. Like, together sort of, I don’t know the details, but they are both friends and for that part, I’m truly happy for them. I like Dravas just, you know, not like that. I don’t know why, I think because he’s so broody and melancholy. Nothing like Reylin was.

So here’s where, if I HAVE to be honest with you, and screw you for making me feel like I do, Mr. Journal. I’ve had my heart set on being Rajere’s Yalif since before I joined war and, it. I know, this is dumb, i feel like it is never going to happen. There’s no reason for it really, it’s just those old stupid doubts rising up again. I respect him and I know he respects my abilities too, he’s said as much. Through a grunt or a nod mostly.. And the fact that of all the people at the Abbey, he tends to pick me first to spar with one on one.

OHHHH! I hate it so much! It’s so stupid to feel like this! I’m young, I’m still learning, growing stronger and more skilled. Why would he pick me now? See what I mean? It’s selfish aspiration, like Beroth had and look where that got him. Given, I’m not about to start a mutiny, but it has made me grumpy. And I hate that.

Patience. I need to pray to the Three for patience and wisdom. That’s what I need to do. Focus outward, not inward. Yes. I’m going to do that. Maybe that will help. It sure won’t hurt.

So, other stuff. Sebaya had her baby twins, both girls! I still don’t like babies but she let me hold one, I almost peed I was so nervous. I still don’t like babies. I’ll help her however I can since Lilelle has been being a turd to her, though I hear she’s at least talking to the Magistrix now. Stubborn turd. They’re cute.. Kind of, like raisins, only chubby and bigger. I still do not want any though.
A few new recruits, some show promise, though they are as always, judgy of our ways and don’t yet understand why things are the way they are. They’ll learn, as we all did. Well most of us. Taliana still struggles. Was demoted to recruit, is up to Initiate again. I like her, I do, but sometimes I just wanna paralyze her mouth for her own good. Actually, I wonder if that might work. For now she’s vowed silence, I can only imagine she’s going crazy in her head. Though she still writes things down to talk. That’s now how I picture a vow of silence working but… I’ve never felt the need to vow one.

Oh yeah, one other thing. I’m currently in a row with a super rude dunmer that works at the Telvanni Tea house. He’s a snitty little thing named Garbos or something like that. I was trying to get Taliana to shut up a few weeks ago by throwing a sugar cube at her. One hit him and he said I had worse manners than a nord! Can you believe that? Comparing me to those hair backed ape men just because his pretty hair got thumped with a sugar cube? I was only trying to help not get her in trouble.

Since then, he’s been extra snotty to me and won’t even take my drink order. Not that I want him too, he’d probably spit in it. Oh, and then as I was leaving, he said I looked fat in my outfit! Again, he judges me by my size! HE’S SUCH A JERK! Ohhh… It steams me just thinking of it. How can someone so rude hold a job? Sure I threatened to break one of his legs and make him limp until the end of days, but he started it! It’s a shame that the owner has to put up with a server like him. It’s like my father always said, “Competent help is hard to find.” Apparently it’s true for khajiiti business owners too.
I heard he has a husband too. The man must be up for sainthood to put up with that at home. Humf!... and yeah I spelled HUMF, what of it? Jerk.

Alright, I think that’s all I got now. I need to go punch and swing my blade at something.
See you!