Tarvala Sul'Morin Journal Entry 9

Hello Mr. Journal,

You are filthy!  Blowing the dust off top I came to another conclusion, after I stopped coughing and sneezing that is, that I’m a horrible housekeeper.  I spend the last hour picking up my bunk room.  It’s modest and only a single room, it shouldn’t have taken that long.  I get home though, and mostly eat something, clean my armor and sharpen the Ashen Phoenix, then oil them both properly, and pass out atop the sheets.  Get up, eat, dress, and out the door I go!  

I do eat at the Abbey a lot but, sometimes it’s good to eat alone to give yourself some time to think.  That, and when you are at the Abbey, you never know when Commander Lilelle, she’s a the Commander now, might start shouting for everyone for something someone else did or if something is going down.  I don’t mind the latter, missions or protecting the abbey, it’s my home and my duty.  The former, why is it always because of the same small group of people? Meh, but they are still my Brothers and Sisters so.  It’s a minor gripe really, but there it is.

Let’s see, oh.  Magistrix Sebaya is MASSIVE, by the Three, I had no idea a woman could swell to that size without exploding!  She’s the first dunmer I’ve seen with twins though, so that’s why I’m sure.  I’ve seen pregnant women of course but, I can’t imagine how her back has to be screaming at her, or how she can sleep.  It’s got too be like sleeping with baby guar sitting on your sensitive, squishy organs.  

She let me, sort of made me, feel them kick inside her. It was, amazing.  I don’t like babies.  I never have.  I’ve always been clumsy and especially when I was growing, more so. So, another Magistrix, funny enough, who was a good friend of my mother's and would be the one I went to train under later, came with her newborn to our house.  Mother made me hold it, I told her I didn’t want too, I begged, but she gave me “that look” and I did.  No sooner had she handed it to me, it started to wiggle and squirm.  It was like holding a eight pound larvae.  She squirmed right out of my hands and to my horror fell.  Thanks the THREE, that my father was near, he moved so fast and caught the little thing in one of his large hands perfectly just inches from the ground. Cradling the head in his hand and the body up his forearm.

Of course it started to bawl and wail and I got a tongue lashing and later, a good beating.  You know, thinking on it, wow, father was fast.  Anyway, since that day, my general dislike for babies has been damn near a fear of them.  I don’t want to hurt them of course and that’s all I can think of.  When Sebaya had me put my hand on her and I felt them.  Something in my just, melted.  It was two little lives.  I put my head on her stomach.  Embarrassing now that I think on it, but I could hear them moving in there.  It actually brought me to tears at this realization.  I mean I knew it before but… I didn’t “KNOW” know it, you know?

She’s going to have to take better care of herself, especially since Lilelle isn’t doing her proper duty as wife to help her.  I promised her, she would not raise the children alone, I’d be there, and so would the rest of us.  I’m an Ordinator… I’ve defeated armies.  Destroyed daedra, faced madness, and magicka few return from.  I will not be defeated by tiny little dunmer larvae babies.  If I can face those fears, I can face this one… you know, not alone, I’ve no idea what to do with them, but with guidance I know I can figure it out and help.

So, that’s that.  We’ve many new recruits lately.  Some have promise, some I can see are going to get their stripes very early.  I also got to fight Rajere once more.  He bested me, again.  Though, I got many good hits, I think I might have broken some ribs even, though he toughed it out of I did, but I swear I heard something crack as the flat of the greatsword slammed his side.  I also knocked him to his rump twice!  TWICE!  In the end though, he got too many cuts and one good slash to my gut.  We continued but in the end, he got me down and was on me, and I was spent.  Every time I feel like the gap between us shrinks.  Not by a lot, but… it is shrinking.  He is of course my High Ordinator but in times like that, he is truly like a brother.  Not in ALMSIVI, I mean he is, of course, but I mean a brother, brother.

I was attracted to him at first, true, and he is handsome of course, but I think I realized the love I was feeling wasn’t that like he and Nethala have.  I realize now it was a love of family.  Not like I have for father, and as I never had siblings, it has to like that.  

It feels right in that sense and in thinking of it that way.  I’d do anything for him and Nethala, who is like a sister really.  She was one of the first Ordinators to really show me the ropes there and, has always been kind and understanding.  I wonder if they feel the same way?  Honestly, it doesn’t matter or change what I would do for them, I guess.  With family, it shouldn’t, right?

That’s what most of them are to me here now.  Family, really.  Not all of them though.  There are a few I almost detest.  Their selfishness and lack of self awareness is mind boggling.  Time and again they put others at danger for their own glory or stupidity. I’m honestly not sure which is worse.  Then others, will go to any length and step over anybody to find ways to make themselves look better and try and raise their position and ranking.  People like Ivulhe, are moving their way up slowly but surely, properly, by not stepping on the heads and hands of those below them to keep them down.  It’s not many, and I don’t even want to put down their names for, that gives them more credit than they are due.  I might stain your pages with it one day, Mr. Journal, but not today.  I am watching them though and so are others, and together we will temper those wild blades or we will break them, because I will not allow them to destroy good mer for their own selfish ends.

Ohhh.. I just read that again.  I sound really intimidating!  Who’d have thought, meek, mild, and beaten Tarvala, standing up to bullies?  I’d never have thought it possible.  

Well, Mr. Journal, thanks for listening.   I’ll see you again… I promise to dust you this time!