Tarvala Sul'Morin Journal Entry 4

Hello again Mr. Journal,

Been some time and I’m exhausted again. High Ordinatore Rajere has assigned myself and Siyo with defending a town and suppressing a slave uprising. I won’t lie, ALMSIVI would know anyway, it is terrifying. We are outnumbered nearly 4 to 1 and the slaves are former Dominion, or rather, current Dominion soldiers. Khajiit mostly from the manifests. We helped fortify the town near the border to Cyrodil and managed to get one for questioning.

This is what I’ve been training for though. To protect the homeland from all enemies, foreign and domestic. The Lord that allowed this to happen already payed with his life, his so however, has done as told and is clearly out of his element. I imagine he had not expected to be in this position so suddenly and was only a skirt chaser until recently. We have some time before the shit hits the fire though. Which is good, we’ll learn more soon.

I’ve also been training on my portals as well. If I’m going to be a full Ordinator soon, I need to get better at that aspect. Fire, earth, and lightning I can do and only continue to get stronger at, but portals are much finer in their needs for direction and spatial attunement. I don’t want to repeat of the last time after all. I think Command would be even less forgiving if I dropped a squad in the lake 15 feet off the ground, or worse, a lava flow. I’m improving though, so far I’m only off by a foot or two from the ground. I just have to trust myself and my instincts. So long second guessing myself for so long has been the hardest thing to overcome in all this training.

I know it’s silly and often the others at the Abbey don’t understand it. Everyone suffers abuse of some kind, even now, though Ordinator training has a purpose in its ways and isn’t for the twisted pleasure of others. So that they can be made to feel better of themselves by taking another down. It went on for so long that I never knew who to trust and some time after that, to never trust anyone myself.

Even when I’d done things correctly, that I KNEW were correct, I was told it was wrong. Only for another to do or answer the same way and get full credit. The setups were often the worst. I’ll have to tell the stories sometime but not right now. Perhaps after the mission is over. Here and now, Tarvala, focus on the here and now. They aren’t around. Here you are doing ALMSIVI’s true will for you. Hold onto that. You are only as good as your next mission….